


Thank God You're Not This Bad

by StrawhatsAndDelibirds



Category: One Piece
Genre: Fake Dating, M/M, Modern AU, flirting with staff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-14
Updated: 2019-12-14
Packaged: 2021-02-24 16:48:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21801202
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StrawhatsAndDelibirds/pseuds/StrawhatsAndDelibirds
Summary: Sometimes someone you think is a douchebag is only the tip of the iceberg.
Relationships: Roronoa Zoro/Vinsmoke Sanji
Comments: 6
Kudos: 144





	1. Chapter 1

Sanji paced around the living room, the request sitting heavy on his mind. This was a deeply intimate matter, and he really only had one person he could ask. They lived together, sure, but this was a completely different matter. Something that he could just ask so simply, he had to butter him up first.

God he wished he could smoke inside. If only he didn’t give a shit about the deposit. 

He had to think of something that was garbage, but not too garbage. Something low quality but well prepared with little pizazz to it. The thought to go and grab him something shitty from some garbage fast food place crossed his mind for a brief second, before he scoffed it off. He wasn’t looking for that garbagy. 

Actually, Sanji was pretty sure what he ended up cooking didn’t matter so long as it was savoury. The food was never the star of the meal with Zoro. He never really cared what he threw in there, it was all about the booze. Sanji just needed to refill the liqueur cabinet with some halfway decent beer and Zoro would be happy.

That was what he needed. He just had to go out and drop his hard earned cash for him. Fortunately Luffy didn’t charge him rent so long as he kept cooking for him on a moment’s notice. It didn’t really change the fact that this sucked shit. This whole situation sucked shit anyways, and it turned out there was a limit to how much shit until he was numb to it. 

He looked at his phone to see if he still had time. But in the time it took for him to pull out his phone, he heard the door unlock. No jingling of a key ring with an impossible amount of keys, just the one. Son of a bitch. 

Zoro entered the room and abandoned his keys on the counter by the door. Sanji debated heading out regardless and bringing it home. There was still time, it wouldn’t be weird. He could do it as soon as that asshole got out of the doorway.

“Hey, Swirly Brow. What crawled up your ass?” Zoro grunted, the concern faintly there like a spider web. 

There was really no better time to do this. He knew Zoro for too many years to try and sneak off without giving an answer. They both knew he was hiding something. Try as he might, this was an issue too big to shrug off like it was nothing. It was written all over his face. No matter how much he wanted to avoid it, the conversation is happening now. 

“So my family’s in town.” Though family implied that most of them gave a single shit about him.

“Zeff’s always lived in town.”

“No like my birth father, and my brothers and sister.” The words alone felt like curdled milk on his tongue. Though Reiju might be nice to catch up with. It’s been a while since he last texted her. 

“So I’m guessing you’re going to be out of town for the next little bit?” Zoro raised an eyebrow, scanning the room for any bags. 

“No… They’d track me down and harass me even if I tried. Plus I don’t want to make this harder on Zeff than it has to be.” They’d probably leave him alone if he showed up. Zeff wasn’t the person they wanted to ruin the week of.

“So you’re trying to come up with a plan now?” The nerves twisted his stomach when he heard him say that. Why did he have to go and say that. Couldn’t that asshole have given him a little longer to think of a way to say this?

He had no other option. He had to come out and say it. With a deep breath in, Sanji made a solid attempt to calm his nerves. Naturally nothing changed and this was killing him slowly. 

“I need someone to fake date.” Please pick up on what he’s trying to say. He doesn’t want to spell this out.

“So who you thinking of?” Zoro asked, driving a metaphorical knife into his stomach with his dumbass ability to not read minds and pick up on the hints that he clearly wasn’t putting down.

Was he put on this planet only to suffer? Why could he never have one peaceful week. Why was he always forced to suffer through more shit. 

He covered his face in an attempt to compose himself. When that didn’t work they slid down, smearing the frustration all over his face. 

“Well, Luffy and Usopp aren’t good liars, Nami and Robin don’t deserve this, Franky and Brook aren’t rich enough to be sugar daddies, and it couldn’t be Chopper unless I wanted a record and jail time.” Please let this be enough for you to pick up on.

“Well that doesn’t leave you with anyone. Unless you’re hiding some secret other friends.” So despite Sanji’s best efforts, Zoro continued to miss all the signals. Sanji wanted to scream. 

“Oh my god!” He’d settle for yell. “Are you really going to make me spell this out for you? As if I’m not suffering enough?? Please let me fake date you, I need these fuckers off my dick and off my case.” He let out a long and agonized groan before throwing himself onto the couch. Hopefully the shame would kill him and he wouldn’t have to deal with any of this. He would desperately love more than anything to not have to deal with any of this bullshit. 

But god did not answer his plea, so he had to lay there face down on a pillow and way for an answer. And wait an impossibly long time as Zoro tried to process the information that was presented to him in what was probably the last coherent words before Sanji cried into this pillow or died.

“Oh.” Was the only thing that Zoro had to say. The twisting feeling in his gut changed from a knife, to feeling like an oven knob as he felt his blood slowly start to boil. He had bared his soul to this asshole in a moment of vulnerability and all he had to say was “oh”? 

“I’m having a really fucking shitty time right now and all you have to say is oh?! Do you know how fucking hard it was to ask you in the first place? Give me a real goddamn answer! I’m really fucking stressed right now without having to worry about shitty tepid answers and deciphering meaning from them! I have to go face an entire fucking circus in a few days can you at least give a shit!” The pillow previously used to cover his face was thrown at him. He couldn’t believe this asshole. And to think Sanji was going to buy him booze.

“Hey I didn’t say no! You caught me off guard. I just got off work, I wasn’t expecting to be fake asked out. Give me a fucking minute!” Zoro countered, the pillow bouncing harmlessly off his stomach. 

“Why can’t you just answer the shitty question!?”

“Because you have bad fake taste in men!”

“Maybe I do!” Sanji countered. Finally Zoro was making sense. The pillow was thrown back at him, hitting him square in the face. 

“You’re not making a very convincing case on why I should do it!” 

“Oh my god you’re going to make me beg! You sick fuck!” The pillow is removed and whipped back at him. The pillow, now expected, was caught. 

“You don’t get to decide what I want. Who said I wanted you to beg? Who said I wasn’t going to do it.” 

“You just said I wasn’t being very convincing!”

“I never said no.” 

Sanji paused and stared at him. That motherfucker. He wasn’t going to pull some bullshit like that, was he?

“Oh so you’re fucking with me?”

“No I’m fake fucking with you. Cause we’re fake dating.” Sanji threw his arms up in the air. How stupid did he have to be to let this asshole get the upper hand on him. In his vulnerable state this bastard got the upper hand. 

“Did you know that you’re the actual worst.” He hated that he was going to have to owe him a favor after all this. 

  
“I’ve been told.”


	2. Chapter 2

The lobby felt tense, and they probably looked more like they were on death row waiting for their turn than waiting for family. Sanji hadn’t told him much about them, but from the expression on his face it seemed like he would rather be waiting to have the top lowered down him on an electric chair. A morbid curiosity made Zoro almost excited to meet these brothers. It wasn’t like Sanji hadn’t had to deal with his fair share of assholes over the years, what made them so different. 

Zoro looked at his phone. It wasn’t like they were in a rush to get there before hand, Sanji said that he wasn’t going to waste his time waiting for them at the hotel they were going to be staying at. But it had to be a solid hour that they were waiting for them. That couldn’t be right. It felt so much longer than that. He was about to ask Sanji about it, when for around the fifth time since they got there, he got up and went to the reception desk, to ask whether or not his brothers had in fact checked in. 

He watched from a distance as Sanji sunk into the counter. That either meant that they were here and told them not to tell anyone, or they still hadn’t arrived. Sanji stormed past him, heading towards the door. 

“Those assholes still aren’t here. I’m going out for a smoke.” Sanji grunted before Zoro could even ask. “Stay here in case they sneak in.” 

Sanji left before Zoro could even remind him that he had never seen his brothers before. Zoro huffed and slouched down in his chair. Of all the things he could’ve been doing today, he was stuck on asshole watch. He supposed he was just going to have to keep an eye out for someone who looked like Sanji, but douchier. If that was even possible. 

He was facing the door anyways, wasn’t like someone was going to walk in without him noticing. Hopefully if they were this late, it meant they weren’t coming at all, so both him and Sanji could skip out on whatever fresh hell awaited. He kept an eye on the door, but did watch Sanji from the window as he paced and puffed. Zoro couldn’t ever think of a time he saw Sanji look that stressed. Not even when him and Zeff got in that fight in high school or even when he got stuck with back to back to back bullshit shifts. 

His musing on what kind of fuckery was about to befall them were interrupted by a conversation happening at the front desk. 

“Hey baby, bet you’ve never been bent over this desk by a star before. Wanna change that? Not like anyone would care about it since you’re not even half bad looking yourself.” Some creep leaned over the desk. Ugh, he wasn’t exactly the type to play hero, but it wasn’t like there was much else to do.

“Hey asshole. She’s on the clock. If you’re looking to fuck working women go down town. I’m sure there’s a prostitute down there willing to tolerate you for five minutes.” He got up from his chair, making his way over to the desk. 

The man turned around, his face already red with rage. 

“What the fuck did you say to me?” He challenged. Zoro paused, pretending to give some thought. 

“Sorry. I said I’m sure there’s a prostitute willing to tolerate you for a minute.” 

“I’m Yonji God Damn Vinsmoke. I’m a fucking celebrity. I have women lining up around the block to fuck me. I have more money than you ever see in your goddamn life. Who the fuck are you?” Oh god. This fuck was the one they were waiting on? And he had to deal with him for a day?

“I’m Zoro Roronoa. Sanji’s boyfriend and the one you’ve kept waiting for a full hour. How the fuck were you already in here? Were you scared you’d see a girl and cream yourself so you slunk in through the back?”

Instantly his demeanor changed, as he circled around Zoro like he was a predator sizing up its prey. God he couldn’t stand this guy. 

“Oooh, didn’t know that Sanji ran off and got himself a boy toy. Always knew he was into boys. Were you saying I should pick a whore up off the street because that’s where Sanji found you? The street? Guess it makes sense that he’d go for someone below him.” He made a solid attempt at taunting. Though that being said, this was the first time he’s been called a whore. 

“Least there’s someone willing to fuck me for free. Now you going to apologize for wasting our time or what? We’re both busy people and we sat in this lobby for an hour because you’re an untrained animal.” Now that was how you taunted. The red returned to his face as he stamped his foot like a child and got in his face. 

“The day I apologize to some fucking garbage nobody is the day I die.” 

“Then die.” Zoro interrupted. Leaving the dipshit to sputter as he tried to find words.

“Listen here and listen well. Fucking keep pissing me off and you’ll end up dead at the bottom of a river.” Yonji hissed in a low whisper. 

Another asshole statement was on Zoro’s tongue, when Sanji came in. Looks like he’d save that accusation of flirting with a taken man for later.

“Goddamn it. Please tell me it’s only you that showed.” Sanji half begged. Oh god, Zoro wasn’t sure if he could handle more of this bullshit. He could see why Sanji was prestressed about one of these assholes. But he didn’t even single one out, that meant that there was more of them. 

“We’re just missing dad, but he’s got an important meeting so he’s not coming. We’ve all been waiting on you Sanji. We’ve been here for hours.” Yonji’s jeering turned from Zoro to Sanji, seeming to have forgotten all about the “boy toy”. 

“What the fuck do you mean you’ve been waiting all day. I showed up at the meeting time and the reception desk said you weren’t here yet.” Sanji yelled, his hand fiddling in his pocket for another cigarette, but knowing better than to actually pull one out.

“Oh you can’t be that stupid can you? While you’ve been playing chef in some nowhere town in a nothing restaurant, the rest of us have become big name celebrities. We can’t just use our real names. We’d be flooded by adoring fans at all hours.” Zoro could feel the rage burning off Sanji. Honestly it pissed him off too. Zoro knew the amount of work that went into the Baratie. He knew that even on the most stressful nights, Sanji was still incredibly proud of the work he did. 

But he watched as Sanji took a deep breath, and swallowed the rage. Zoro would hear about this later. He was already prepared to hear him lose it and not be able to contribute because Sanji had switched to French. Zoro knew French mad, and this felt like it. 

“Oh, did I hit a nerve?” Yonji provoked, not thinking things through as he had a very punchable face. 

With all the composer he must’ve had, Sanji centered himself. This must’ve come from those nights when they couldn’t find waitstaff and had to borrow chefs to go and take orders and bring out the food. The same face that he’d give to customers making a scene for the sake of making a scene.

“No. It’s fine. So what room are you staying in?” Sanji asked in a voice that made Zoro want to know the specials this evening. It was truly impressive, because this wasn’t something Zoro had to do at his job. If someone made a scene or was a huge dick they were just told to fuck off and not come back. He never really got the chance to see this side of him.

“Fine, I guess I can bring your tardy ass up to our room. Did you at least remember to check into your room? Or were you both too busy sucking face to do that.” 

“Why would we have a room?” Sanji asked. Zoro was both glad and deeply concerned about this revelation. At the very least Sanji was in the same boat, but said boat also had a hole in the bottom and they were in the middle of a lake. 

“Well none of us are sharing a room. We’re not all poor like you. You should be honored that we decided to cover your room for you this time. You should be glad, because we’re sure as shit not going to do it again.”

“We live in this city. Why would we need to stay at a hotel?” Yonji groaned, like he was explaining some basic concept to a child. 

“Cause we’re not going to wait another hour for you tomorrow at breakfast. This way we can make sure you’re there on time.” God, they planned from the start to make him late to try and make him look bad. He wasn’t exactly sure to whom, because Zoro couldn’t imagine the rest of his family being much better than him. Zoro could imagine that he’s going to get drunk on hotel booze. Most likely with Sanji. 

Sanji shot him an apologetic look. Zoro knew this was turning into a much larger ordeal than Sanji had imagined. Much like Zoro had envisioned the eyebrow situation, this had spiraled greatly out of his control.

“Fine, we’ll take the room.” Not that he liked giving these assholes what they wanted, but unfortunately sometimes you had to let children get their way. It was the easiest thing to do, but the smug look on Sanji’s brother’s face did test his resolve and left a bitter taste in his mouth. 

“Glad you assholes are finally acknowledging who’s in charge here.” Oh they were going to drink the hotel dry tonight. 


	3. Chapter 3

Reluctantly, they made their way up to where the rest of his siblings were staying. Neither of them could come up with a reason why they couldn’t other than the fact they’d both rather shove a hot pepper up their dick than deal with them. For whatever reason that wasn’t a valid reason not to attend. 

They were lead into a room, and Zoro nervously checked the key to his room. Of course it would be the one right next to theirs. It wasn’t as if they couldn’t have a moment of peace between this nonsense. He wouldn’t doubt that they had bribed the owners of the hotel to give them a key to their room too, so that there truly was no escape. Whatever they wanted, it was like they wanted them to be thoroughly demoralized before they got to the point. 

“Well well well, if it isn’t to prodigal asshole. Took you long enough to show. Was baby too scared to show his face in front of his massively popular brothers?” Some blue haired asshole asked in a baby voice. Zoro scanned the room for what other bullshit he had to deal with. There was a Pink haired woman who seemed to be holding onto her neutrality, and some red haired fucker who looked approvingly on his brother’s actions. 

“Sorry, we just went to the meeting place at the appointed time.” Sanji sassed, only to be met by a punch to the gut by the blue haired fucker. Sanji sputtered and looked about ready to kick him back, but decided against it. Zoro stared down the asshole, who was saved only by Sanji putting a hand on his shoulder. As much as he wanted to punch his teeth in, Zoro wasn’t about to make this situation worse. 

He briefly saw Yonji approaching to land a hit to Sanji, but red waved him off. So it seemed as though there was some sort of hiarchy in this den of fuck. 

“Your apology doesn’t bring back the time we wasted waiting on you.” He grinned at them, teeth surprisingly white despite the shit pouring from his mouth. 

“Your little slam piece is well trained. Shame I can’t say the same about you. Maybe his obedience will rub off on you. But if nine years of hard work prior to you running away like that didn’t teach you anything, I doubt there’s anything that this dipshit could do to fix you.” The red fucker chimed in. 

A witty remark sat on Zoro’s tongue, but he swallowed it. If years of dealing with dipshits had taught him anything, it’s that you can’t win an argument with an idiot. Any effort here would just be wasted. 

“So why am I here anyways?” Sanji asked, though Zoro basically knew that this was little more than idle conversation at this point. If they weren’t going to give out something like a meeting place, just for the sake of embarrassing him, Zoro doubted that they were going to give a straight answer. 

“Oh come on now, can’t we visit our favorite little mistake without any strings attached?” The blue one feigned injury. Like anything they said could have any effect on them. Zoro was surprised they could even hear them with their heads that far up their own asses. 

“You don’t talk unless you need something from me, so there has to be something.”

“Wow… Turns out our little fuckup isn’t as stupid as we thought he was. Maybe you can be trained into being halfways useful.” The red haired one clapped. God if that part of the hotel could collapse and kill them, that’d be absolutely fantastic. 

“And you expect us to do that on an empty stomach? After you made us wait for you for so long? Why don’t you be a good little bitch and run and get us some food. Maybe it can even be from that shitty hole in the wall you work at.” Yonji taunted. 

Sanji’s face twitched as the searing rage Zoro knew he was feeling was quelled. His eyes squeezed shut as he calmed himself down for at minimum the third time. His opened his eyes again a few moments later. 

“Fine. I’ll go get some food.” The silver lining was that this was an opportunity for them to take a moment and breathe. Sanji deserved a medal for dealing with it for the nine years he did.

Zoro went to follow Sanji, but was stopped by the blue’s hand touching him. The temptation to break it was very present and very hard to resist, but this was for Sanji’s well being. So he had to behave. 

“Let the slam piece stay. We wanna get to know him and why he has such terrible taste in men.” Sanji glanced over to Zoro, silently giving him the option of staying or going. As much as it pained him to give them what they wanted, Zoro felt like it could be for the best.

“Alright, I’ll stay.” He said, already regretting his choice. Sanji got to get a break, he needed it the most right now. 

Sanji gave him a sympathetic look, and headed out. The door closed and Zoro felt like a caged animal. 

“Come now, have a seat.” Blue offered, patting a spot on the couch.

“I’m fine where I am. I sat long enough while we were waiting for you.” As much as they wanted to change the facts, Zoro wasn’t about to let them do that. The blue one laughed. 

“Ah, it never gets old. Sanji must’ve looked like such an ass waiting there for us. To think he brought in some other asshole to be stuck with him!” Zoro rolled his eyes as the brothers laughed. Were they sure that they had to stay the whole time and they couldn’t just leave? Or there couldn’t be an incident where they fell down the stairs? 

But as they cackled, his eyes drifted to the woman, who sat there like an unmoving doll. She looked like she wanted to be there as much as Zoro did. He wondered what leverage they had on her. 

“So what’s your deal. He find you in a bar and pay you? Blackmail? Come on, you can’t really be with a fuck up like him.” Green leaned in. 

“Known him since he moved here. What can I say? He’s a good guy with a good heart.” Zoro shrugged. He had gripes about him sure, but he wasn’t about to talk about that to the bastards that go ahead and do everything that annoys him about Sanji to the extreme. 

“Ah, so you like him cause he’s a pushover bitch. That makes sense. Not like he has any other redeeming qualities. Dipshit can’t even do something as simple as follow a script.” Green jumped in. 

_ ‘I’m shocked to hear you’re literate.’  _ “Sure, whatever.” Wasn’t like they were listening anyways. Not like he had anything to gain from arguing. 

“So lets cut to the chase. We need you to break the bitch’s heart.” Red grinned from the bed. 

“Why, you seem thrilled about the fact that Sanji has someone you think is better than him.” Not that it was saying much, seeing as though they thought Sanji was somehow the worst person in this room. 

“Well it’s simple. We need Sanji as pathetic as possible for this to work.” 

“For what to work?” Maybe he was finally going to see what the whole reason for them coming here was. He was doubtful it was worth their time regardless, but it was worth a hear. 

“Well we’re going to start our own show, where we’re on an island with hot girls and lots of drinks. It’s not going to be interesting if there’s not some garbage person for everyone to hate. And who better than that useless waste of space. Even when we were doing easy kid stuff he couldn’t manage to do any of it right. He’s going to look like an ass in front of the whole country. And as an added bonus, we get to fuck hot girls on the beach.” Blue explained. 

As if Zoro’s opinion of them couldn’t get any lower, they found a shovel and dug below the bar. First of all, Zoro knew that even if Sanji was a flop with the ladies 90% of the time, he was more tolerable that any of these fuckers, even if he was busy flopping around. No doubt there’d be under the table payments to these poor ladies. 

“So why would I want to do any of that?”

“God it’s like you don’t understand good tv when you hear it. Fine, we can let you sleep with any of the hot girls from the show you want.” Green offered, not picking up on the clues. 

“You do know I’m gay, right? Hence why I’m dating Sanji.” The brothers all recoiled in disgust, and the woman looked embarrassed to even be there. 

“Gross, we thought you were just bluffing. Why would you actually- ugh.” Green seemed skeeved out, despite publicly yelling about bending the front desk lady over the desk in front of the world.

“Fine, we can pay you if you want. Just do this and don’t try and fuck any of us.” Red offered. 

An idea brewed in Zoro’s head. It felt almost risky, but it certainly was going to be fun. 

“Alright. But if I’m doing this, I’m not going to do it in front of an audience, if I did he’d get suspicious. As soon as Sanji comes back, I’ll take him next door and do the deed. How’s that sound.” 

They groaned in disappointment. Obviously they were looking for dinner and a show. Fortunately he was going to put on a show for them. 

“Fine, but you’re not going to get paid until after the deed is done.” Red added. So Zoro wasn’t going to get paid. It wasn’t as if he had high hopes of them keeping up their end of the bargain anyways.

As if on cue, Sanji knocked on the door. Green let him in and they all watched with excitement as they brought in fast food bags.

“I knew since you were so important that you couldn’t wait, I went out and got you food from the first place I could find.” Sanji ditched the greasy bags on the table. 

“Hey Sanji, I need to talk to you for a moment in private.” He could feel the excitement build as they all waited with baited breath for Sanji to get dumped. Sanji raised an eyebrow, but followed him out into the hallway. 

Zoro lead them next door into their bedroom for the evening. There was silence as Sanji looked at him expectantly as the door clicked closed behind him. 

“So the local circus over there wants me to break your heart so you can be the pathetic one or whatever on some fuck island show and offered me money to do it. Pass me your belt.” Zoro said in a hushed tone as not to be overheard by the ears no doubt pressed to the door or wall.

Sanji rolled his eyes. No doubt this was par for the course for him. 

“Sounds about right, but why-”

“-Just trust me.” Zoro interrupted. Sanji raised a swirled eyebrow, but undid his belt and handed it to him. 

Zoro kicked off his shoes and took the belt. He peered over to see where the bed was. Fortunately it was touching the shared wall. So far it was all coming together.

With a running start, Zoro launched himself at the bed. No, that didn’t feel hard enough. To fix that, Zoro got up and started jumping on the bed. This felt much better. He had a much better angle of attack this way. 

Grunting loudly, he gestured for Sanji, who looked entirely baffled by all this, to join him up there. While he waited for Sanji to join him, Zoro got to whipping the bedpost with the belt. 

Sanji soon caught on to what Zoro was going, and also started moaning and jumping right alongside him. The bed creaked angrily at the effort needed to bounce two grown men jumping on it like children antagonizing a new babysitter.

Soon Sanji’s phone chimed and the bouncing came to a stop. They still stood there and read the message. 

“Tell your fuck toy the deal’s off. Don’t bother coming back in here you fucking freak. Plans are cancelled.” Zoro wasn’t sure which one was “trou d’cul”, but he couldn’t really claim that he cared. Sanji’s phone chimed again. 

“Nice work dodging that bullet, Sanji.” This one was interesting, because this one actually had a name attached to it. “Reiju.” Maybe it was the woman who was sitting there and the only one not actively antagonizing anyone. 

“Looks like we’re off the hook.” Zoro passed Sanji back over his belt. Who knew further cementing Sanji’s reputation as the family disgrace would feel so good. He even felt kinda proud of himself for it. “Thanks for saving my ass.”

“Don’t worry about it.” Zoro shrugged. “Aside from dealing with your brothers, this was kinda fun. We should do something like this again sometime.” 

“What?” Sanji squacked, genuinely caught off guard. That was meant to be kept an inside thought. 

“Never mind, lets just head back.” And pretend like he never actually said that. 

“Yeah, lets get the fuck out of here before they change their mind.


End file.
